K got me a beautiful Clu dress for my birthday. I joked with Curtis that maybe he also got me a ghost best friend because I’m feeling lonesome. I’ve been cryptic in my writing here about a few recent events. Mostly because I have no idea who reads this. And I vacillate between wanting to share everything and nothing. My best friend died of pancreatic cancer a month and a couple of weeks ago. I miss her alot. She was a huge influence on me in pretty much every aspect of my life. She was my mom’s age but she was younger than me in soul and joy for the universe. I know that I’m mourning and it’s really my first time to do so for someone so close to me. Perhaps everyone feels this bad. I feel like big chunks of me are missing. Like in my stomach and my heart and mind. Sometimes I cry alot and sometimes I don’t feel anything at all.
On my birthday, as I’ve said, K left me a birthday ‘installation’ in the guest bedroom. He’s done it before. He likes to take my tchotkes and stuffed animals and arrange them in a little chorus then add streamers, confetti, signs etc along with a funny version of the Happy Birthday song. This year he had less to work with because we don’t have a lot of belongings here.
When he left for work in the morning he text messaged me and said to check the guest room for a surprise. I sprinted up the stairs and found he’d set it up in the guest bathroom. I got my camera and taped myself finding it again. When I played it back I was a little distracted and not really paying attention. All of a sudden I heard something that I hadn’t heard when I was taping it and I know I didn’t make the noise.
Thats what I was referring to in my previous posts. It scared the bejesus out of me. And even though K has convinced me that there’s a 50/50 chance that I made the sound myself while moving around. I’m not entirely convinced. And the thing is I haven’t been able to decide if telling people or showing people would help me feel better about it. In fact I haven’t really told anyone how much it scares me because then it might scare them and that’ll scare me even more.
My friend Curtis watched it and heard what I described to him. He’s being very lawyerly about it and insists that it is what it is and what is a ghost anyway. He said there are many unexplained things in the world and that he feels it happened because I’m sad about my friend and being alone on my birthday might have created some kind of energy or circumstances that resulted in my ‘ghost tape’.
Bottom line is that I’ve spent two days alone here in the house since then and 70% of the time I’m scared. Keeping it to myself isn’t helping because we have to live here for three more months. I decided I’ll just put it out there and be open about it. Maybe something that makes me feel better will emerge. I don’t want to embed it here because I don’t like watching it. But I uploaded it to youtube: see my ghost tape.